


The Choices She Made

by Helen8462



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Decisions, F/M, Prompt Fic, What-If
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-02
Updated: 2017-04-02
Packaged: 2018-10-13 19:46:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 13,102
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10520604
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Helen8462/pseuds/Helen8462
Summary: It's been said something as small as the flutter of a butterfly's wing can ultimately cause a typhoon halfway around the world. But what will it take to get her into his arms?Written for the Prixin Prompt Comp 2017





	1. Tomato Slugs

**Author's Note:**

> This story is set following the events in episode 7x19 – Q2.
> 
> Prompts Used:  
> #5: Chakotay keeps watch over Kathryn on a hostile planet. She is injured and probably won't make it back to Voyager, but he refuses to leave her side (despite the fact that he might make it out alive if he does so).
> 
> #8: "You always do this. You always try to be the one who loses, who sacrifices. I'd have waited the whole seventy years for you, if you'd asked me to." "I already asked so much of you. I couldn't do that."
> 
> A million thank-yous to my hawk-eyed beta, Carlyn Roth. Goodness, this must have taken her hours…

* * *

 

_"You are fettered," said Scrooge, trembling. "Tell me why?"_  
_"I wear the chain I forged in life," replied the Ghost. "I made it link by link, and yard by yard;_  
_I girded it on of my own free will, and of my own free will I wore it."_  
_― Charles Dickens, A Christmas Carol_  

* * *

Kathryn Janeway retired to her quarters after alpha shift, which had been her norm as of late. She sat down with a plate of fruit and a stack of PADD's and continued the work that never really ever ended just because the chronometer said it should.

One PADD of warp core efficiency data trends morphed into another of crew assignments, and then onto supply requisitions and shield modulation recommendations. Before long, she felt her eyelids begin to get heavy.

Kathryn set the tablet in her hand back onto the stack. She stretched in her chair and stared out to the quickly moving stars, wondering what others on the ship were doing at this moment. Those who were not on duty were most likely relaxing in their free time—reading, exercising, getting ready for dinner in the mess hall. She sighed, and was suddenly overcome with a wave of loneliness. Being a captain was a solitary position in and of itself, but to be the only Starfleet captain so very far away from Federation space sometimes made her feel as if she were in a hole so deep she may never find a way out.

Shaking the feeling off, she moved to her bookshelf; a little light reading always did make her feel better. Before she could make her selection, however, Kathryn was suddenly aware of a presence in the room. She froze, took a metered breath and turned very slowly, senses heightened and ready to comm for security should it be required.

Standing about five meters away, was Q.

She let out a sigh, feeling somewhat relieved and yet simultaneously annoyed at was most certainly to come.

"Q."

"Hello, Kathy. I do hope I'm not intruding."

"No more than you usually do," she said, tired annoyance slipping into her voice. "Just please don't tell me you're here to drop off another one of your children. I really don't have the energy right now."

"Au contraire," he said, flopping dramatically into her chair. "I'm here to thank you, again."

"Oh?" she asked, eyeing him skeptically.

"Yes. You did wonders for Junior. He and I have been having a swell time traversing the cosmos since last we met."

"I'm glad to hear that."

"Anyway, Junior suggested that I might not have adequately repaid the favor."

Kathryn held her hand up. "You took two and a half years off of our trip, that's payment enough."

"I came to offer my gratitude in a more personal way."

"No need. You're welcome. Now if you don't mind…"

"Ah yes, you want to get on to a good book. I had something a little different in mind for this evening, and seeing as you have no plans."

Kathryn sighed and summoned composure. "Really Q, it's been a long day and I just—"

"I want to give you something, Kathy. I've decided that, short of sending you straight home, there is only one thing you could really use."

"A cup of coffee, Q. How about you give me a cup of _real_ coffee and we'll call it even?"

Q gave her a familiar smirk that she had come to associate with certain trouble. "Such narrow thinking. You need to be more four-dimensional, my dear. I've come to offer you a glimpse into the realm of _what might have been_."

As he spoke those words, Kathryn knew she was in for trouble. A hundred different scenarios for Q's supposed generosity, and their outcomes, assailed her, but she didn't get far with her speculations before he began to elaborate. "One night, in the fifth grade, you were reading your father's textbooks on starships and warp engines or some such Starfleet-y nonsense. The next day you had an exam on plant biology, which you failed. It was one of the only things you've ever failed in your life, so I'm sure you remember it."

Kathryn nodded slightly, unsure of what connection this ancient history had to anything of relevance.

"Would you like to know what _would_ have happened had you been studying for that exam instead of filling your head with useless facts about spaceships?"

"I'm not sure how a quiz in the fifth grade—"

"Allow me to enlighten you," he interrupted. "If you had studied for that biology exam, you would have gotten an 'A', the highest grade in the class. Your teacher would have noticed that you had an aptitude for the biological sciences and would have recommended you for a week-long botany program at a local university. There, you would have discovered an interest in making things grow. You would have obsessed about it, actually, as seems to be your tendency. One thing would lead to another, your father's starships would have gone out the airlock, and— _Boom_!—you're a horticulture professor instead of a Starfleet officer."

Kathryn put her hands on her hips. "I don't believe that."

Q shrugged. "It doesn't matter if you believe it or not, Kathy. It's true. Out there among the vast cosmos is a version of you giving a lecture on slugs of Earth's northern hemisphere and their effect on tomato harvest."

"Why don't you go bother _her_ instead? She could probably use the excitement."

Q ignored her. "Would you like to know how Voyager fared in that timeline? The one where you studied for your biology exam?"

"Do I have a choice?"

"Oh, you always have a choice, Kathy; that's what I'm trying to show you. You make choices every day. And you wrestle with them all, don't you? The decisions you've made assail you during the day, and they keep you up at night." Q shook his head. "It's a pity, too, because as I see it, you're the only version of _you_ making the right choices on a regular basis."

"Thanks for the vote of confidence. Now, what happens if I _choose_ to ask you to leave?"

"I'll go. But, I really do wish you'd consider my offer. It's not one you're likely to get again."

"I think I'll pass, but thanks just the same."

"Very well," Q replied as he raised his hand in the air to snap his fingers and go on his way. But, he couldn't leave her hanging without the end of the story. "You're very happy, by the way," he told her.

Kathryn tilted her head. "I beg your pardon?"

"As a biology professor. You have a husband and two children, friends, and a nice home. You're very well respected." Q saw her swallow hard and steel her eyes against a fleeting glimpse of happiness she would never know. "But everyone else you never cared about, they're all dead. Every… Single… One."

At last, he snapped his fingers and disappeared.


	2. It Begins

Kathryn wasn't sure exactly how long she had sat staring out her window after Q had left, but she was long enough in silence that she just about jumped out of her skin when the door chimed.

"Come," she said finally, rubbing her eyes.

Chakotay entered casually with a bottle of red wine by its neck. "Sorry I'm late, B'Elanna had a—" He stopped mid-sentence when he noticed her still sitting on the couch looking out the window. He glanced to the dining area and saw that her lunch dishes and PADDs were still sprawled around. No candles or flowers on the table like he was accustomed to seeing when he came for their weekly dinners—that is, when she hadn't cancelled them at the last minute.

"Did I come on the wrong day?"

"No, no. I'm sorry," she offered, gathering herself from the couch. She walked to him and took the bottle. "I got distracted," she said. The truth, she knew, was that she had forgotten completely about their plans. She popped the cork from the top and poured herself a glass then took a long drink.

"Everything okay?" he asked, concerned.

"Q," she replied, filling a glass for him as well.

"Again so soon? What did he want?" Chakotay asked. Remembering the image he still had of her in her pajamas when Q had come to ask her to bear his child, he changed his tone. "He didn't do anything…."

Kathryn shook her head. "No. Of course not." She sat herself at the table. "He actually wanted to thank me again for helping out with his son."

"I see. And did you accept?"

"Not exactly," she replied. "I'm not entirely sure of his intentions."

"Beware of the omnipotent bearing gifts?"

"Something like that."

"He didn't happen to offer you a working replicator, did he?" Chakotay teased to lighten the mood.

"Now that's something I could use. I hope you're in the mood for peanut-butter sandwiches."

"I'm glad I brought red instead of white," he said clinking his glass to hers. "It'll complement the jam."

* * *

After the sandwiches had been eaten and all of the idle conversation run through for the evening, Chakotay took his leave and Kathryn was alone again. She retreated into the bedroom, changed from her uniform into comfortable pajamas and was about to lay down - she was, in fact, very tired - then realized that she was hesitant to go to sleep with Q still so prominently on her mind. So instead, she went back to the living area, selected a well-read book from her collection and sat down with it.

"Hmm, interesting choice," she heard, and her eyes snapped to attention.

"Q?" she asked hesitantly, looking around the room for him but finding no one.

"Why did you choose that one?" came Q's voice again. "Because it's a favorite? Or because someone you loved a long time ago gave it to you? Was it an actual choice, or more of an instinct?"

"Show yourself Q!" she demanded, slapping the book closed.

"Would you like to know what would happen if you had chosen the book next to it?"

"No. Q, I mean it. Show yourself."

Q's face appeared on the cover of the book in her hands, and he grinned at her. "Oh come on, let me show you what would have happened if you picked a different book."

"I'm not in the mood for your games, Q." She slammed the book on the table.

Q's face on the cover closed its eyes and then he appeared standing in front of her.

"I really think you should read this one instead," he said, handing her another novel.

She took it then set it down on top of the first. "I don't feel like reading now," she replied, and started to head into her bedroom.

"Do you think that's wise?" he asked. "What if there's an emergency on board and you're sound asleep?"

"Then I'll wake up and deal with it."

"What if the five minutes it takes you to get dressed costs someone their life? Best to go to bed in your uniform."

Q snapped his fingers and her comfortable pajamas had been transformed back into her red and black Starfleet ensemble.

Kathryn stopped and turned on her heel. "Why won't you leave me alone?"

"I'm trying to give you a gift, Kathy. Most people would beg for an opportunity like this."

"I don't want anything from you. Now get off of my _ship_ ," she growled.

"Alright fine." Q threw his hands up in the air and sunk down into the chair she had just vacated. "I'm trying to help you," he said, defeated.

She sighed heavily and the summoned the diplomat within her. "Q. I appreciate the offer, I really do. But, I don't need your help. You said yourself that I'm the only version of me who is making the right decisions."

"So far…"

"I like my track record. But I do need some sleep, so if you'll excuse me." She began to walk away.

Q crossed his arms over his chest. "If you don't accept my gift, you're not going to like what happens to you."

Kathryn stopped mid-step and turned slowly. "What?"

"If you don't see what you need to see, you're going to do something—actually, not do something—that you're _going to regret_." He said, emphasizing the last words.

Kathryn wet her lips. "I don't trust you, Q. How do I know you're not trying to manipulate me for your own amusement?"

"Oh Kathy, who's playing games now? You trust me. It's yourself you don't trust. You're afraid of all of the consequences for the actions you never took. You still believe that many of the actions you have taken were wrong. And, you fear for the ones you've yet to make."

His words sunk in and she knew in her bones that he was right. Dammit, she hated when he was right.

"One time," he compromised. "Let me show you how right you were just one time. If you don't want to see anymore after that, I'll leave you alone." Then he made a crossing motion with his hand across his chest. "Q's honor."

As she considered his offer, she realized that he probably wasn't going to give up regardless of what she decided. And, she couldn't deny that his offer did intrigue her, at least on some level.

"Fine," she said. "But make it quick."

"I'll have you back by breakfast," Q said with a grin. And he snapped his fingers.


	3. Husband #1

Q and Kathryn appeared on a tropical-desert beach, at what looked to be the end of the day. Q had changed from his mock-captain's uniform, and was now clad in a Hawaiian shirt and matching shorts with a horrible blue and orange pattern. He had a thick coating of sunscreen pasted on the end of his nose, and a wide-brimmed straw hat perched atop his head. Kathryn, however, was still in her standard Starfleet attire.

Rolling, crystal-clear blue water drifted effortlessly up and lapped at the shore. Beachgoers were packing up their belongings for the evening. The sun, hanging low in the sky, cast a near-perfect sunset.

Kathryn looked to Q. "Where are we?"

"You should know; look around."

As she closed her eyes and breathed deeply, the smell of sand and salt overwhelmed her senses. Moisture from the seawater permeated every pore. "Aruba," she said finally. "I was here once. With-" Her eyes sprang open.

"Wiiiith…" Q waved his hand in a grand gesture of encouragement.

"Justin," she finished.

"Ah, si. Fiancé numero uno."

"Why are we here, Q?" she asked, suddenly feeling very uncomfortable.

"We're honored guests. Come this way." Q took her by the wrist and pulled her across the beach. He walked almost more quickly than she could keep up, and her feet stumbled underneath her, twisting in the deep, fine sand. They were headed for a large grouping of palm trees.

"Slow down, let me go!" she shouted at him.

"Well, hurry up, then!" he admonished her like an impatient child. "We're going to miss the best part."

Pressing through the closely growing palms, they entered into a secluded, clearly private section of beach. White chairs were lined in short rows and filled with about twenty-odd people. Kathryn recognized some of them. Her mother was there, her uncle and cousin too, all seated in the front row. Some friends that she hadn't seen in years filled out the middle. At the front was a rustically constructed arch covered in soft, tropical flowers. Her sister Phoebe stood at the end of the aisle and two men, their backs to her, were there as well.

Kathryn's breath caught at the sight. "What…what is this? A wedding?"

"We should call you Captain Obvious," Q quipped.

He led her to the back row of chairs and pushed her shoulder down so she would sit in one.

"I don't understand. I know these people."

"Shhhh….It's going to start."

Q turned to face away from the beach and toward the back of the ceremony. Moments later a violinist took up playing a familiar tune.

Janeway gasped as she saw herself, a much younger version of herself, walking arm in arm with none other than her father. The doppelganger was wearing a simple off-white dress which flowed easily in the breeze. She carried a small bouquet which matched the flowers in her hair.

Kathryn shot a look back at Q and then, out of the corner of her eye, saw a sight that made her stomach lurch. At the front of the makeshift altar was Justin. Dressed in a pale blue shirt and straight-ironed pants, he had an almost angelic smile on his face. Kathryn noticed the hint of a tear in his eye, and she saw him mouth "I love you" to the woman walking down the aisle.

"Take me back Q," she said sternly. "Get me out of here."

"Don't you want to hear their vows? They're really quite lovely," he replied.

Her double was nearly to the officiant and the waiting hands of her betrothed, but Kathryn couldn't bear to bring herself to look.

"Now Q!"

"Oh fine." Q raised his hand and snapped his fingers.

In an instant, she was back in her quarters.

Kathryn was irate. " _That!_?" She shouted at him. " _That's_ what you wanted me to see?" Sadness and pain swept across her face. "Why? Why on Earth would you show me that?"

"That's only part of what you need to see Kathy. You didn't stay to the end."

"What, were you going to show me how blissfully happy I was with my fiancé—no my husband—and my father with me? Is this the timeline where I'm a botanist or some such nonsense? Did I have children, are you going to show me them too?" She yelled, pacing back and forth like a caged tiger.

"As a matter-of-fact, no. You didn't have children. You wanted them, but this one ends very similar to the other."

"How?" She shook her head with anger. "How did is this timeline possible Q? Justin and my father died. I watched them. This… this sham of a wedding you just showed me. It never happened."

"It didn't happen in _your_ timeline," he replied. "But it did happen to the Kathryn who made a different decision."

Kathryn stopped dead in her tracks. "A different decision…."

Q nodded, his expression coaxing along her train of thought.

She paused. "I almost didn't go on that shuttle mission," she said, realization sinking in. "It's something I've regretted, thought about since the accident."

Q made a waving motion with his hand for her to continue.

"You're telling me—no you're showing me—that if I had made the choice to stay home, they would have been alright."

Q's face broke into a wide grin. "Bingo."

Kathryn slumped into a chair and ran her hands through her hair. "I thought… I thought you said that I was the one making the _right_ decisions."

"You are."

"Then why show me that? Why show me how happy I could have been?"

"You didn't let me _fin-ish_ ," he replied, much like a frustrated child who had been pulled away from a toy. "So I'll just have to tell you how that particular story ends. Your father would have died two years later, sickly, in a hospital bed. You wouldn't have been there, it wouldn't have changed you the way that it did in this life."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean that the pain you went through after they died changed you Kathy. You know it did."

"Of course it changed me. Their deaths devastated me. There still isn't a day that goes by…"

"I know, I know. But, if you hadn't gone on that trip—if they had survived—then you wouldn't have transferred to command. You would have been married. You would have wanted a family, and safety. You would have remained a science officer. Voyager would have left with someone else in your chair."

"Good for Voyager," she said. "Maybe that captain could have made the decision I didn't. He probably didn't destroy the Caretaker's array. Are you going to tell me now that without me they would never have been stranded in the Delta Quadrant? That would be the icing on your cake, wouldn't it?"

"The Maquis died on the day Voyager arrived," Q interjected. "All of them. Chuckles, that ridge-head of an engineer, all thirty-five of them because the _other_ captain didn't trust them enough to save them."

Kathryn froze.

"Want to know what happened to Voyager?"

"No."

"Without you, Mr. Paris would have remained incarcerated. As circumstance would have it, your husband would have been at the helm. Justin was a good pilot, but we both know he's no Mr. Paris. He was unable to out-maneuver the Kazon vessels and Voyager was boarded three days into the journey."

Kathryn looked up in shock as Q continued. "They were all tortured and executed. Slowly. And the technology from the ship, from _your_ ship, gave the Kazon-Ogla an edge. They destroyed the other factions and became the most horrific, tyrannical destroyers of that side of the Delta Quadrant."

Kathryn closed her eyes and steadied her breathing. _It didn't happen that way,_ she reminded herself. Little did she know, this phrase would become her mantra over the course of the long night that lay ahead.

"Every choice had a consequence, Kathy. That's what I am trying to show you, if you'll just let me."


	4. Thirst

Having little choice but to acquiesce, and virtually no hope of sleeping after their first trip, Kathryn reluctantly agreed to see more of whatever Q purported that she needed to see. After a swig of fresh coffee and a few moments to collect her thoughts, her guide once again whisked them away with a snap. And now, he was leading her with leaded steps across the scorching hot sands of a desert planet.

"Where are we?" she asked him. This time, Q was dressed in layered cloaks in a mock-attempt to keep the blazing sun off of his skin and the coolness in. She was still in uniform.

"Almost there."

"Almost where? I've never been here before."

Q stopped and turned to her. "Three years ago, you sent Commander Chakotay on a mission. One that resulted in his shuttle crash-landing on a hostile planet. He was captured by the Vori. Do you remember them?"

Kathryn nodded, wiping sweat from her brow. "Yes. They forced him into training and fighting their war with the Kradin. It… it changed him. It tortured him for months afterwards."

"And you blamed yourself."

"I…" Kathryn was about to contradict him but she was quickly learning that Q understood her innermost thoughts. "Yes. I blamed myself."

"What exactly would you have done differently, Captain?"

Kathryn thought for a moment. The hot sun, pounding on her back. She felt as if she were roasting alive, but Q seemed cool and steady in his omnipotent garb. "I was going to go with him on the shuttle. On that mission. But something happened and I decided to stay on Voyager instead."

"Something?" Q pressed.

Kathryn sighed. There was no use hiding from someone who apparently knew her better than she knew herself. "Chakotay and I, we weren't on the best of terms at that time. We had just come out of an uneasy alliance with the Borg to get us past Species 8472, an alliance we didn't exactly see eye-to-eye on."

"And…" Q waved his arm. The repeated gesture was beginning to irk her.

"And I didn't want to spend that much time alone with him."

"If you had set aside your petty argument and gone, you would have been at the helm of that shuttle. You'd have crashed on the next planet over in the system instead of being captured by the Vori."

"This one?"

Q nodded and continued walking. He led her into an outcropping of rocks against a hillside. At the base was a small opening, a tunnel, and she crouched down to head in behind him. From inside she could hear labored breathing and soft words. Around the next corner the light began to fade but she could make out the faces of two very familiar people.

_"Kathryn," she heard Chakotay say. "Kathryn, you need to wake up now."_

Kathryn looked back at Q. He put his fingers up to his lips and whispered. "Watch."

As she followed Q's instructions, Kathryn saw a version of herself laying on the floor of the rocky, red-stoned cave. Her double was pale and bruised. Her uniform was soiled and torn. Dried, sticky blood was caked to her hairline and the front of her exposed tunic. Sprawled open on the floor was a backpack. Empty ration bags were strewn about along with several emptied hyposprays. Next to her, partially underneath her, was Chakotay. He was stroking her hair and gently trying to nudge her back to consciousness.

_"Come on Kathryn," Chakotay urged, squeezing her upper arm._

_"Mmmm…" Kathryn began to stir. Her parched lips pulled apart to ask the only question she was capable of understanding that she needed to ask. "Voyager?"_

_"Not yet," Chakotay said. "But soon." He shifted his weight underneath her and tried to support her to a sitting position. "You need water, Kathryn. Can you drink?"_

_She shook her head slightly. Her voice was a strained whisper. "No. You."_

_"I've had some. Please, drink," he urged, lifting the foil bag closer for her to see. "You need to keep your strength up."_

_"Chakotay," she whispered. "Keep it. Leave me. Go find water… you'll die here too." Her breaths were growing more labored with each passing second._

_"There's plenty more, Kathryn," he said. "I transported an emergency ration container before the shuttle was destroyed. Remember? I keep telling you." Her tired eyes were searching the room for the supplies. "It's behind that wall. Now drink."_

_He lifted the silver pouch to her lips and poured the liquid slowly and carefully so as not to waste a drop. She lapped at it gratefully, swallowed painfully._

Q looked to his companion. She didn't tear her eyes away from Chakotay as he helped her doppelganger. "He's lying," she whispered. "There aren't any more supplies are there? That was his last bit of water."

"You are correct."

"He should leave. She's… I'm going to die here, aren't I?"

Q nodded. "You sustained internal injuries during the shuttle attack. You're quite the fighter though, been going for almost two days now. But, despite his best efforts, you will die in the next few minutes."

"And Voyager?" she asked, afraid of the answer.

"Arrives four hours too late for him."

Kathryn felt a swell of grief wash over her and her eyes began to sting. "He should have kept it for himself," she whispered.

"Agreed, he would have survived if he had. But, love makes people do strange things."

"Love?" she asked with sudden surprise.

"Uh… _yes_."

"Chakotay doesn't love me," she stated matter-of-factly.

At that, Q snorted. "Right. He just sacrificed his life on the minuscule chance at your survival because you're his captain."

Kathryn looked at Q blankly and then turned once more to watch as Chakotay scooped her counterpart's limp body into his arms. The commander began to rock her gently back and forth, tears weeping from his eyes and streaming down his face.

"I don't want to see any more of this."

Q snapped his fingers.

* * *

Back in the calm, coolness of her room, Kathryn slumped into a chair and ran her hands over her still dusty face. Q offered her the mug of coffee which she quickly waved away.

"Whenever you're ready," he said.

Kathryn shook her head. "I want you to leave."

Q rolled his eyes. "I told you, you need to see _everything_."

"This is disturbing Q. Personally, deeply disturbing. And if I find out you're just doing this to torture me…"

"I have better things to do with my time than torment you, Kathy. Now, you trusted me before so just keep on keeping on and we'll get through this quickly. Besides, I know you're not one to quit in the middle of something you started."

She glared at him.

"No one dies in this next one," he offered with an irreverent shrug.

She snatched the mug from his hand, took a quick gulp and then nodded.


	5. Husband #2

Kathryn and Q appeared on the sidewalk in front of a two-story farmhouse. Kathryn, still in her uniform, found herself holding a Starfleet-issued luggage case in each hand. She looked down at them perplexed and then dropped them to the ground.

"This…" she said looking around. "This is my house."

"Your powers of observation continue to astound me," Q said rolling his eyes. "Come now, let's not waste time."

He headed up to the front door and jiggled the handle but it was locked.

"Be a dear and see if you remember the code."

Kathryn joined him on the stoop and flipped open the lid to the door panel. She thought for a moment, then typed in her last lock combination. The door clicked open.

Q pushed it and waved an arm for her to enter first.

Kathryn took in the familiar scent of her old home. Many things were still the same, the furniture and most of the artwork on the walls hadn't changed. On the console table was a wedding picture of some version of herself and Mark. The Kathryn in the picture wore the same dress that she had picked out so many years ago but never had the chance to take home.

She wondered how far into the past she was at this moment. They paused in the modestly-sized foyer and suddenly, the front door clicked and opened again. A woman, looking to be in her mid-forties and dressed in a cotton shirt and slacks strode in casually and dropped an overnight bag on a bench.

"Recognize her?" Q asked.

Kathryn shook her head. From down the hall Kathryn heard the patter of animal feet. A moment later a large, red-haired dog bounded down the hall and greeted the woman excitedly.

"Molly!" Kathryn gasped. She stooped down to call the dog to her but quickly realized it was a futile effort. Q looked at her quizzically. "I'll never understand mortal attachment to lesser beings."

"You certainly seem attached to me," she reminded him sarcastically.

"Touché."

At that moment they heard a voice from the kitchen. _"Carla, I'm in here."_

Recognize him?" Q asked.

"Mark," Kathryn replied. He nodded and then bid her to follow the other woman.

Before her, in the kitchen, was a sight she had longed to see for so many years. Mark, with his hint of grey hair and handsome features striding toward her with open arms and a genuine smile. Her daydream was interrupted as he embraced _the other woman._ Mark whispered in her ear, something soft and sensual. Carla giggled and pulled away.

"I thought you said no one died in this one Q," Kathryn scolded.

"What makes you think someone's dead?"

"If he's with her, and we were married as the picture on the console table showed…"

Q raised a finger to his lips to silence her.

_"So, how many days do we have this time?" Carla asked, breaking free momentarily from his embrace._

_"She'll be gone at least four months," Mark replied._

_"Good thing I'm here to keep you from getting too lonely," she replied and wrapped her arms around his neck to draw him in for a kiss._

_Mark returned her affections passionately and took the woman by the hand. "Good thing," he said. And then he led her down the hallway to where Kathryn knew her—their—bedroom was._

Once the couple was out of sight Kathryn turned to Q.

"He… he's…"

"Cheating on you," Q said bluntly as he picked up a donut from the table and began to munch. "Sprinkles," he commented. "Love these little things."

Kathryn's mouth gaped open for a moment before she found her words. "Mark would never cheat on me, Q. I don't care what you're showing me. I won't believe it."

Q shrugged and brushed rainbow sugar from the corner of his mouth. Kathryn felt herself beginning to grow irate. Heat seared in her throat. "How dare you," she said beginning to tremble with anger. "How _dare you_ taint the memory of someone that was so dear to me? Someone I loved so very much. And he loved me." Her voice grew louder with each word.

"I'm not disputing that fact," Q replied. "But, you read his Dear John letter. He's married now, to someone else." He waved his hand flippantly down the hall. "Her, actually."

Kathryn grimaced. "He waited for me. He was committed to me for as long as anyone could have expected him to be."

"And you?" he jested. "How faithful were you?"

"I was faithful Q. I never strayed in my commitment to him."

Q rolled his eyes. "Yes, yes we'll get to that later. I mean in _this_ timeline. Just how angelic do you think you are?"

Kathryn froze. "What are you implying?" she asked, eyeing him with disdain and hesitation.

"Care to take a look-see at what you're up to right about now?" Before she could protest, he snapped his fingers.

The two travelers appeared on the bridge of a small Starfleet vessel. This time, there were two Kathryns wearing a captain's uniform.

"So I'm still a captain in this one?" she asked.

Q nodded. "This is the ship you would have been assigned to had you decided to move your wedding date up a month as Mark wanted you to do. With both of you in uniform, this might get confusing, so stay close." Then he leaned in to whisper, "Just remember you're the one that's _not_ getting any from your first officer."

She scowled at the implication. Then, she watched as the other Captain Janeway relayed a series of orders to the bridge crew before she retreated into her ready room. Familiar with the routine by now, Kathryn followed close behind.

She and Q took a seat on a small sofa in the back of the room and watched for a few minutes while the captain attended to some kind of business at the desk.

"Looks like an ordinary day," Kathryn remarked.

"Oh, it's ordinary alright."

A moment later the door chimed. Out of instinct, Kathryn's response echoed her counterpart's and they both said "come," in unison. Realizing her faux pas, Kathryn frowned and folded her hands in her lap. "Old habits die hard," she conceded.

Q chuckled. "You have no idea."

A tall, rather handsome man wearing three pips and a red uniform entered. Kathryn didn't recognize him.

_"Ship's status reports and crew evaluations for you to sign off on." He set two PADDs on the desktop._

_"Thank you," the captain replied._

Kathryn noticed she looked up at him in a way that, despite the plainness of her words, seemed a little too casual.

_"How was your leave?"_

_The officer waggled his head back and forth. "Eh, okay. Uneventful." Then, he bit his lip and leaned in close across the desktop. "I missed you."_

Kathryn watched in disgust at the implications being thrown so casually in front of her.

_"We're on for tonight?" the captain asked._

_"Oh, for sure," the officer replied. Rising from the desk and placing her hands flat on the surface, she wantonly met his lips halfway over the computer console._

Kathryn averted her eyes until she heard voices again.

_"Until then," the captain replied with a wink. "Dismissed, Commander."_

Kathryn's stomach lurched. "When are we Q?"

"Oh, about five years after you refused the offer to command Voyager," he replied.

"Let me guess, they're all dead."

Q nodded his head. "Yes. Wait, no. Let me think…. Oh these timelines, they do get so confusing. No, not yet. They're still in the Delta Quadrant. But, you never really forgave yourself for not taking that command. You honestly believed that with _you_ in the center chair, they wouldn't have been lost."

"And all of that guilt drove me to the arms of another man?" she asked skeptically.

"Guilt and indifference, I suppose," Q replied. "Let's face it, Kathy. You may have loved Mark, but were you really _in love_ with him?

"I… of course I was. I wouldn't have agreed to marry him if I wasn't."

"That might be what you tell yourself at night when you're feeling sad and lonely, but you can't hide the truth from me. Mark was comfortable. He was safe. And yes, you could have built a nice life with him. A stable one even. But the passion, it was never really there was it? And you're gone so often…."

Kathryn met his eyes but refused to answer.

"It's nothing to be ashamed of," Q continued. "After losing something as heated as you had with Justin, safe was probably the smart bet. At least for a little while. Oh, but safe does get boring." Q yawned. "Are we ready to go yet?"

"Yes. Please."


	6. Regrets are Futile

In the blink of an eye Kathryn found herself, yet again in the relative safety of her quarters. Q however, was conspicuously absent.

Kathryn paused a moment. Then, she asked the computer for the time and date. It confirmed that she was indeed back when she should be. She walked a few paces and then slumped into a chair at her dining table and put her face in her hands. When she reopened her eyes, there was a leather-bound logbook sitting in front of her on the table. Kathryn eyed it warily. It was one she had used from time to time when she felt like hand-writing little notes, but she didn't remember having left it there.

Hesitantly, she opened the book to where the attached red-satin marker had been last placed. In handwriting that she knew was her own, but was oddly more disheveled and hasty than her normal calligraphic style, were words she knew she had never written.

As she began to read, she felt herself whisked away to another place. Sunlight shone around her. She was perched, still sitting, but now high up on a rocky cliff overlooking a vast ocean. The air smelled of salt and fish. She was alone, legs dangling over the edge of what would have been certain death were she to lean too far forward. She considered the book in her hands and continued to read.

=/\=

_January 5, 2375_

_It has been three-hundred and sixty-five days. A full year and I feel it is finally time to write down the rest of what really happened. The technical matters, the complete factual history is recorded in my personal logs. But this. This I had to write by hand. It feels more human somehow to record the last of my thoughts in this way._

_I should have risked damaging my personal relationship with Chakotay, I realize that now. I allowed my feelings for him to get in the way. Even if he never spoke to me again, which I'm sure wouldn't have been the case, I should have followed my instincts and followed through with my plan to forge an alliance with the Borg against Species 8472. But when I woke up in sickbay, I was confused. I was still reeling from his sudden deviance from our plans, and he seemed so sure. I wanted to believe in him. I wanted someone else to make the decisions just that one time._

_To this day, I don't know if we would have been successful had I pressed the issue. I was prepared to send him to the brig for his insubordination, but I couldn't do it. If we only could have worked together instead of against one another…. At least maybe then we would have died trying._

_As it happened, I deferred to his decision to retreat. Once we had navigated out of fluidic space, we turned back and headed for the nearest M-class planet. This one. We almost made it too, but the Borg were gaining on us and we found ourselves surrounded. The ship took heavy damage. With transporters offline, many of the crew already dead, and our orbit destabilizing, I ordered all hands to abandon ship._

_Had he lived to see the moment, I'm certain Chakotay would have been by my side while I tried in vain to protect those pods. His body was with me at least, and perhaps his spirit._

_I descended with Voyager into the upper atmosphere; by then, the cubes were on top of us. And suddenly, to my horror, the pods began to disappear. Some of them were beamed away, others were caught in fire-green tractor beams. Not a single one landed on the planet._

_I still don't know why the collective didn't come for me too. Maybe they didn't know there was anyone left. Or, I wasn't worth the effort. The nights I've spent wishing I could have died up there…. Or, that I could have been taken with them. I know better than to delude myself into believing that I could have made a difference at that point, but at least I wouldn't have abandoned my crew. My friends._

_My only real hope is that more of them were killed than assimilated. It haunts me. I can't help but imagine each of them being transformed into drones, forced to mindlessly perpetuate the terror that is the Borg. On nights when I want some comfort, I think of them having already been ripped to shreds by 8472; at least then I can believe that their suffering is over._

_I cannot deal with the anguish of their loss—my loss—any longer. This planet, it's too good for me. The water is clean and pure, and the food is plentiful. There are animals here to befriend, beautiful beaches, a temperate climate. The casket that is Voyager provides for any of my other needs. It is the perfect living hell that I don't deserve._

_I have but one final request. If someone finds this, please, recover the remains of my crew. I buried them in the ground under the forward section of the ship. There are grave markers for each one, twenty-seven total. Return them to rest among the stars where they belong. Kindly leave the one marked "Chakotay." He is separate from the others, in the forest where he would have wanted to be. As for me, the sea will be my graveyard._

=/\=

As Kathryn read the last line again to herself, she was made aware of a presence behind her. The warm breeze blew her hair and she regarded the rocky torrent of seas below. She looked back at Q.

Q frowned slightly and sighed, then offered her his hand. "Let's go."

* * *

Back for what she felt must have been the fifteenth time, Kathryn sat again in a chair. Q handed her the mug of coffee which was, inexplicably, still steaming. She cradled it, but didn't feel much like drinking.

"I don't understand that one," she said eventually.

"How's that?" Q asked.

"I never actually considered going with Chakotay's idea. I knew that an alliance with the Borg against 8472 would work. It didn't feel right to turn tail and run or to settle down on another planet. I wasn't going to give up on getting home."

"Ah, yes. But, what about regret?"

"Regret?"

"Do you regret anything about that time in your life?"

Kathryn paused for a moment. "We were never really the same after that," she admitted. "We pretended to be, but I'd be lying if I said we didn't sacrifice some of the trust we had built. But then, you knew that already."

"The Vori scenerio, yes." He tilted his head. "Are the pieces starting to fit together yet, Kathryn?"

She sighed. "I think they might be. How much more of this Q?"

"That depends. Anything else on your mind?"

"You seem only interested in showing me the things that have dealt with the results of more personal interactions."

He nodded.

"There are so many things that haunt me Q. More than just at this intimate level you seem to be stressing."

"Care to list them for me?" he asked.

She was a bit surprised by his counsellor-like aura. It was almost comforting.

"I'm not sure where to begin."

"We have two hours until morning. Begin wherever you like. But please, let's limit this to the recent past, say Delta Quadrant years? I don't feel like psychoanalyzing your questionable interpretation of the Dying Swan at eight-years old."

"I was six."

"Poh-tae-toe, Poh-tah-toe."

Janeway sighed and, like a good book, began at the beginning.

"I destroyed the Caretaker's array and got us stranded."

Q shook his head. "Honestly, you're still hung up on that?"

"Q. It's been my life's work to get everyone home after the repercussions of that decision. I've lost people. Relationships have been severed. It's the reason for all of this struggle."

"I refer to Chuckles. You've done more good in the Delta Quadrant than you could have ever done in seven years in the boring ol' Alpha Quadrant. You've made many discoveries. Your mission, as defined by Starfleet principles, is a success."

"Seven years so far, but how much longer Q? By my estimations, it's twenty more at least."

Q shrugged. "Don't marry that number."

She furrowed her brow at him.

"Move on," he told her with a flippant wave.

"I should have been more aware of what was happening to Kes. I was distracted by the Borg and 8472. I should have helped her in some way."

"Her natural course of evolution was just a bit beyond your ability to control," Q said sarcastically. "Though I'll give you points for ambition. Besides, you'll want her just the way she is before too long."

Kathryn gave him a curious glance as he motioned again for her to move along.

"I killed Tuvix."

"Oh, for crap's sake." Q made a wide, rolling gesture with his head. "Your precious 'beam-machines' are _soooo_ much more trouble than they are worth. The monstrosity formerly known as Tuvix was never meant to be one person, and you know it. Besides, he would have died a month later anyway. His molecules were destabilizing, or some such nonsense."

Kathryn continued. "I forced B'Elanna to be cured by that Cardassian doctor, Crell Moset. Using information gained by torturing innocent people went against everything she believed in. Everything I believed in."

"She would have died. The ends justified the means; at least his research did some good. And, he was a hologram." Q began picking at the cuticles on his thumb in boredom.

Kathryn sighed.

"I shouldn't have authorized erasing the doctor's memories of Ensign Jetal's death."

"Small poh-tah-toes. Again, a hologram. Come to think of it, those transporters aren't the only piece of your technology that isn't worth the trouble."

Kathryn ignored his remark and continued. She was, it seemed, on a roll. "I aided the Vaadwaur in their fight against the Turei."

Q made a 'tsk tsk' sound and waved a finger at her. "You _should_ feel bad about that. Not the smartest move." Then, he considered his words and spoke grimly. "Don't be surprised if that one comes back to bite you."

Kathryn looked up at him with confusion and concern.

"Any more?" he asked, returning attention to manicuring his thumbnail.

"When we liberated the drones from Unimatrix Zero."

Q stopped fidgeting with himself and looked up at her. "Oooh, we're getting more serious about this now are we? Unimatrix Zero was an interesting one. You were technically responsible for the deaths of a few tens-of-thousands. I would argue again however, that the ends justified the means. The Borg are such a scourge."

Kathryn sighed and massaged her forehead. She suddenly felt like she was in a ping pong match trading shots with a much better opponent. But, receiving insight into all of these things that had pained her for so long was cathartic in a strange way.

"I almost killed Crewman Lessing," she said, hanging her head in shame.

Q chuckled morbidly. "Went just a tad off the deep end with Mr. Ransom, didn't we?"

"He defied everything I ever believed about Starfleet," she said rising from her seat and beginning to pace around the room. "He… he threw all of the principles, all of the spirit of exploration and peaceful discovery, right out the airlock. He was a disgrace to the uniform."

"He scared you," Q stated bluntly. "Because in a different set of circumstances, you might have done the same thing."

Kathryn's head popped up. "No. Never. I would _never_ have sacrificed innocent lifeforms to get us home."

"But, part of you wishes that you had his gall—his truly unwavering devotion to getting his crew home at any cost."

Kathryn shook her head. "No. You've gotten me to admit to a lot of things tonight Q. But not that."

"Okay, what about the devotion of his first officer and crew? Even after Ransom decided to right his wrongs, his XO took up the charge. Ever worry that you've had the same hypnotizing effect on your people? You're a strong leader, Kathryn. Strong leaders imprint their ideals and their methods on those they command. How far would they go for you? Don't tell me that the thought of it doesn't scare you a little bit."

"Chakotay didn't follow me." As she said the words, a new realization sunk in. "He questioned me, and he stopped me. But, not before I lost something in the process," she admitted. "I lost a piece of myself. And I lost…"

"His respect," Q finished. "How is that patch you sewed over the hole in your relationship holding up?"

Kathryn chose to disregard his prying accusation and, like a hot pan, dropped Equinox from the discussion to move on to less controversial regrets.

"I almost trusted Kashyk."

At this, Q let out a loud snort. "Thankfully you got your lady-bits in order in time to see through that creep. Honestly, Kathy, what did you see in him?"

She shrugged. "He was… fascinating."

"Why? Because he liked music and wore gloves?" Q made a nod and a very loud Mahler Five accosted her. "Is this sexy somehow?" Q shouted over the blaring of trumpets and pounding of drums.

She put her hands over her ears and the music stopped.

"You hurt him with that one, by the way," Q informed her. "But tit-for-tat with that Riley woman, I suppose."

She ignored his comment. "I put Tom Paris in solitary confinement."

Q scratched his head. "That was a bit cruel even for you. Still, I think he had it coming, disobeying you and all. Besides, he wrote a beautiful letter home and you set a nice example for traitors. He's got his pip back. He's over it." Q tilted his head to the side. "It seems we've crossed the very fine line from explicit decisions into regrets, Kathy. But, continue if you wish."

Kathryn paused to think. A flashing thought blinked before her mind's eye, and it was so vivid she supposed that Q had placed it there for her to grab at. He raised an eyebrow, and she knew he knew what she was thinking.

"Regrets…." she whispered.

Q didn't move.

Kathryn licked her lips and prepared to give her confession a voice.

"I wanted to kiss him. On New Earth."

Q's face erupted in a Cheshire cat-like grin.

"I didn't. I wouldn't have. Mark," she explained.

"But, if Voyager hadn't come back for you?"

"Probably, eventually."

"Probably?" Q asked incredulously.

"Okay, definitely," she admitted. Reminiscing on that possibility gave her pause. "The fact that Chakotay and I were the only two of fifteen away team members to be infected with that virus wasn't under my control. Neither was the decision for Voyager to come back for us. And, I'm glad that they did. But…"

"You want to know what would have happened if you had acted on your desires."

She nodded.

"I thought you'd never ask."

And Q snapped his fingers.


	7. New Earth, New Problems

Kathryn and Q walked softly amongst the grass and trees at dusk on a warm evening. This time, Kathryn didn't have to ask where they were. It was as if he had reached straight into her memories and retrieved this particular evening with no detail spared.

As they drew closer to the emergency shelter that she and Chakotay had called home, Q spoke up. "Why don't we just peek in the window this time?"

Kathryn moved to press her face to the small square of glass. She could see herself inside, seated at the table in front of Chakotay. He was fiddling with a carving tool and speaking to her doppelganger. Kathryn could hear his words in her mind's voice. He was telling her a not-exactly ancient legend. She recalled at that moment the passion and devotion laced in his every word. She watched a tear roll down her double's cheek, then they raised their hands to touch.

Kathryn closed her eyes and took a deep breath then prepared herself to see her counterpart do something that she had only dreamed about.

Their hands fell, together, to the table surface. The woman pulled away and walked slowly back toward her room, then she stopped suddenly and turned back to Chakotay. He rose, met her halfway, and their lips accosted eachother passionately. The Kathryn still standing outside took a heated heavy breath.

"Are they doing it yet?" Q asked.

"Shut. Up."

Q let out an annoyed huff as Kathryn watched herself lead Chakotay to the back bedroom. She got down off of her tiptoes and leaned her back and head against the side of the shelter.

"Was it everything you dreamed it would be?"

"Ok, so they kissed and then, I'm assuming they did something significantly more than kissing."

"Let's just say they're not folding laundry back there," Q replied, waggling his eyebrows. "Would you like to watch?"

"I'll pass. You've proven what's happening in this timeline."

"Suit yourself."

"So what's the consequence?"

"Why, Kathy, whatever do you mean?" Q asked innocently.

"Something awful is going to happen because of this, isn't it?"

"What makes you think it won't end in roses and wedding bells?"

"Because I wouldn't be here watching if that were the case. I wouldn't have anything to learn, which seems to be your point in all of this. So I'm asking you, Q, what happens?"

"Oh very well." Q reached into his back pocket and pulled out a small, hardbound book. Then he deliberately and slowly licked his index finger and paged through it. "Let's just skip ahead a bit then, shall we?" As his fingers skipped a section of pages Kathryn felt herself transported off of New Earth, through the starry sky and eventually came to rest in a cavern.

Before them in the darkened chamber was an energy field. To the side stood Chakotay, Neelix and Kathryn's counterpart, deep in conversation. In the middle of the group laid Kes, unconscious on a biobed.

"This is the Nechani shrine, the one that put Kes into a coma and almost killed her," Kathryn said to Q.

Q nodded. "And they say religion can't be fun."

" _I know what I'm doing," Kathryn said to Chakotay._

_"Are you sure of that? There are eight hundred mega joules of biogenic energy running through that shrine. The thoron radiation levels are off the scale. That's what you'd be taking yourself and her into. Why don't you take some time to think about this and let us run a few more scans," Chakotay urged._

_"No."_

_Chakotay's eyes grew serious. He put his hand on her arm and gripped her tightly. "I want to talk to you, privately."_

_"No. Chakotay, I need to do this now. We're running out of time."  She moved to go around him, to get to Kes.  But he blocked her path._

_"Kathryn," he pleaded. "I have to keep you safe. For the crew. And for… other reasons."_

_Her eyes grew serious and her voice went soft. "Chakotay. Don't interfere. Don't stop me from doing this, I'm warning you."_

Kathryn could feel the heat from Chakotay's eyes burning into her double. Both Kathryns waited with halted breath for his next words, and watched in horror and he did what they feared.

_"Chakotay to Voyager. Four to beam up."_

Shock and horror ripped across the doppelganger's face as she was whisked away.

Q turned back to his companion.

"That's not what happened. He trusted me. He let me walk through the field with her. We… I saved her life. Why would he stop me?" she asked, slightly panicked.

"In your timeline, he didn't have as much to lose. He loves you, sure. But here, you've told him the same and you've begun building a real life together. His interests are different now, he's protecting more than just his captain."

"And because of that, Kes dies. This is the consequence," she realized out loud.

"One of several."

"I'm not sure I want know the others."

Q reached for the book in his pocket and licked his finger again. "Oh, let's just take a little peek."

* * *

The instant Kathryn and Q reappeared in sickbay, their ears were assaulted with the sounds of shouting.

_"Send me back down!" the captain yelled. "Chakotay!" she turned to him and grabbed him by the arms, "Please. Don't do this. Don't stop me, she's going to die!"_

Kathryn looked over at Q. He had a bag of popcorn in his hand and was eating loudly. "Snack?" he asked. She let out a low, repulsed growl.

In the background she could see the doctor and Neelix attempting to tend to Kes.

_"Chakotay," the captain said, trying to force herself to calm down. "I know what I'm doing. I understand the risks."_

_"I don't think that you do. You've been through a lot in the last few days. You've been exposed to toxins and sleep deprivation. You're not well and I can't let you make this decision for yourself."_

_"If she dies Chakotay. I will never, never forgive you."_

_"If you die, I'll never forgive myself."_

_"You have no right to do this," she yelled at him._

_"Maybe not, but I have the responsibility. I won't let you die, too, Kathryn. This crew needs their captain. And I need you."_

_The shrill of a monitor combined with the cold clap of a tricorder being closed made everyone stop and turn to Kes. The doctor faced them. "She's gone," he said._

The only thing left to hear was the sound of Neelix crying. That, and a snapping of fingers.

* * *

Becoming used to the transitions by now, Kathryn leaned forward in her chair. "So, Kes is dead. I'm furious with Chakotay."

"Eternally."

"I'm guessing our relationship…"

"Kaput."

A final flash of realization struck her. "Which means that we wouldn't work well as a command team anymore either. Which also means, Voyager would be vulnerable."

Q nodded and reached in his pocket for the book one final time.

"Please. No," she said waving him off. "I get the idea."

Q shrugged and tossed the book carelessly into the corner of her quarters.

Kathryn ran a trembling hand through her hair. "All of this because we kissed on New Earth."

"A butterfly flaps its wings, Kathy. Or in your case, a captain 'folded laundry' with her first officer in the back of a shack."

Kathryn closed her eyes and released a breath. "I knew it. I knew a relationship with a member of the crew, with Chakotay, was a bad idea, and you've just proven it."

"Don't you hate being right all the time?"


	8. Future Imperfect

"I still don't understand why you've shown me all of this Q," Kathryn said, trying to make sense of so many scenarios and images that would simultaneously haunt and tease her. She was weary and confused.

"Sometimes, the most important words are the ones that were left unsaid," Q advised.

Kathryn narrowed her eyes. "Stop," she demanded with a sudden anger rising in her voice. "Stop speaking in riddles. Stop teasing and torturing me, and just tell me. Tell me why you are doing this."

"I'll show you."

"No!" she shouted. "I don't want to see anymore. I want to stop these games. I'm tired, Q."

"You think we're playing games here?" Q said. "I'm trying to help you, Kathy. For some reason, I _care_ about you and your happiness. I'm trying to get you to realize what you're missing. What _you're_ going to lose."

"It seems to me that I've got all of the information I need." she replied. "All of the decisions I've made so far were right, at least, more right than the alternatives you've shown me."

"You and your crew are alive and well. I'll grant you that. But, how happy are you, really?"

"My happiness is irrelevant. At least, it will be until I get everyone home. So, I'll just keep making decisions the same way I always have, and I'll trust that I will continue to make the right ones. It's the only thing I can do."

"Do that, and you'll surely miss something very important." Q looked at her seriously. "You're not like me, Kathy. You only have this one life to be happy in. You have to make the most of it for _yourself_ at some point."

Q paused and let his words sink in before continuing. "This is the only view I will show you into the future, Captain. And it's for your eyes only. When you're done, just…" He snapped his fingers, and with the next blink Kathryn found herself alone, in very familiar quarters. She looked around and realized that she was next door, in Chakotay's living room.

The lighting was dim, soft music was playing and two once-tall candles had been melted down to shorter stubs on the table. A bottle of wine sat empty with two barely-touched plates of food. Her eyes were suddenly drawn to the brightest light in the room. It was coming from the window. It was Earth.

Kathryn clasped her hand over her mouth. In whatever future Q was showing her, they had made it home. Her joy was interrupted by sounds coming from the bedroom.

"Q?" she whispered. "Q!"

Nothing happened. She raised her hand to snap her fingers but then paused. Temporal Prime Directive aside, Q had clearly sent her here for a reason other than just to see Earth out the window. She lowered her hand to her leg and slowly tiptoed toward the sounds emanating from the back bedroom.

After everything she'd seen, all of the possibilities of her and Chakotay together, all of the personal attachment she had just witnessed, she could only assume that she would find her doppelganger once again in his arms. After all, if they were home then a relationship might finally be possible. Was this the happiness that Q had alluded to? She swallowed hard and peeked into the room.

Tangled in an intricate knot under the covers, two figures were melded and moving as one. Their rocking caused the sheets to rise and fall rhythmically. She could hear Chakotay's deep voice whispering, urging, professing. His head was bent low offering smothering caresses she couldn't fully see through the darkness. A familiar burn smoldered again within her, heat rising from her center.

Kathryn moved closer. This was very similar to the experience Q showed her on New Earth, the one that had admittedly ran through her mind a million times, of what could have been. This scenario, too, had haunted her for years. This was what she knew was waiting on the other side of the bulkhead if she would just go to him and be honest. She licked her lips, deep anticipation continuing to build. She would indulge this living fantasy that may, in some future, actually come true.

From under the covers a hand reached out to grip the side of the bed for purchase. Another wound its way around his neck and pulled him down. That's when Kathryn saw it. Silver. Metallic silver intertwined with slender fingers. The fused bodies under the covers continued to drive into each other with increasing ferocity.

Kathryn gasped and turned her head.

"Oh, stars…" she heard him groan in a husky voice. "Seven…"

Kathryn snapped her fingers. Nothing happened. She snapped them again, and then began to run from the room. Past the dining table, through the living room and out the doors she went. Then, she flew down the hallway ten more paces and into her own quarters, where she collapsed in a heap on the floor.

"Didn't want to stay for the show?" Q asked.

Kathryn's eyes burned at him from the ground. "That… that was none of my business."

"Wasn't it? It was your decisions that lead him there. In bed, with her."

"No. What Chakotay chooses…"

Q interrupted her. "What _your_ lover chose wasn't up to him. He _chose_ you. He _wants_ you. And, he's settling for her."

"You mean… Is this happening now?" She immediately realized her error, since Earth obviously wasn't outside her window.

"Kathryn, it is eight o'clock in the morning. Everyone is on duty. This," he waggled his finger at the wall, "will happen in three months."

Kathryn thought for a moment.

"I had no idea."

Q rolled his eyes. "That's because it hasn't happened yet. Are you having trouble following this?"

Kathryn shook her head. "I guess I just thought he'd wait."

"Wait for what?" Q said, and Kathryn noticed it was the first bit of frustration he had shown all night. "Wait for you to get home? Wait for you to come off of that soapbox you've put yourself on? Wait for you to stop existing by the rulebook and start living? Wait for you to be _honest_ with him?" His voice boomed across her quarters.

"He understands that I have a commitment," she said softly.

"To your ship, your mission, your crew, your coffee. Yes. You have commitments that you keep diligently. And we're all very proud of you," Q said sarcastically. "But, you don't keep your commitments to him, do you?"

"I… I support him in his decisions. I respect his input as a first officer. I want him to be happy."

Q waggled his head back and forth and rolled his eyes. "I'm sure that keeps him very warm at night." Q walked over and sat down on the floor next to her. "Look, Kathy. Kathryn. Captain. You might support and respect and want. But, what do you actually _do_?"

She frowned and rubbed her forehead. "I cancelled our dinner last week, and I forgot the one last night."

Q nodded. "And the week before?"

"We got called away on a red-alert."

"And the week before that?"

"I don't remember…"

"You forgot his birthday."

Kathryn's eyes snapped open. "I… oh."

"But, worse than all of those missed dinners—" Q began.

"—I'm not honest with him," she finished.

"If you blow him off again next week, or worse, if you make idle chat for two hours and then send him home alone…" Q warned. Then, he pointed to the wall adjoining their quarters and gave her a knowing glare. She swallowed hard, still trying to push away the eventual reality of Chakotay in bed with Seven.

"I don't know what you see in that man," Q admitted. "But, he will make you happy, and I had to take the time to prove it to you. Every choice, Kathy. They all led you here."

Kathryn ran a hand through her hair and stood up. She straightened her uniform.

"Are we done now Q?"

"Yes, I believe we are." Q snapped his fingers one last time, and Kathryn was alone once again. So very alone.


	9. No More Choices

Kathryn emerged from the turbolift less than ten minutes after Q had departed and stopped just a few paces onto the bridge. She stared hesitantly down to her chair and then paused to take in the faces of all of her officers. Finally, she looked at him.

"Captain?" Chakotay asked, immediately noticing something was off.

"Yes?" she replied as normally as she could muster.

"Astrometrics has detected a class four pulsar fifteen light years off starboard. Would you like to take a detour to study it?"

Janeway regarded him with a blank look. She honestly couldn't think of what to say. She was paralyzed by such an easy question. Go study the star, or maintain course. Why couldn't she decide? Would the ship be ambushed on its way? Would they be sucked into some kind of pulsar-related anomaly resulting in systems failure and power surges and injuries and maybe someone would die? Or should they stay the course, but then maybe they would run headlong into a new nemesis that they would have missed if they had detoured. Or maybe, by the light of the pulsar at dinner tonight she would find the courage to tell him how she really felt. Maybe they would be married, have children. Wait, what if that made them miss their mystery ticket home in three months? Then again perhaps the direct course home was the true way to romance, or food poisoning or…. Her head began to spin.

"Kathryn?" Chakotay's deep voice interrupted her confusion again. He was closer now, he must have come up to her while her mind was wandering, she realized. He put a hand on her shoulder. "Are you alright?" Various members of the bridge crew took care to avert their eyes to whatever was playing out in front of them.

"I," she paused, looking at him blankly. "I'm fine Commander. You decide about the pulsar. I'll be… I'll be in there." She motioned to her ready room and then left.

Chakotay informed Tom to remain on course. Then, he followed her off the bridge.

"What's going on?" he asked as soon as he entered. She was seated on the couch cradling a fresh cup of coffee with both hands. "Are you alright?" Concern was heavy in his voice.

"What did you decide?" she asked, ignoring his question.

"We're maintaining course for home. Astrometrics will use long-range sensors to record the pulsar." Kathryn nodded and he studied her for a moment. "Q came back?" he asked, though it was more of a statement than a question.

"Oh, he came back all right," she replied looking up from her mug.

"Want to talk about it?"

"No. I want to forget he was ever here. But, I don't think I'll be able to."

"He gave you the gift?"

"I'm not sure what it was, Chakotay. A gift or a curse or some odd mix of the two." She shook her head as he silently waited for more details. "He took me on a trip. Showed me what things would have—could have—been like if I had made different choices in my life."

"Sounds enlightening."

"Disturbing. Inspiring. Heartbreaking. It was all of those things." Kathryn put her coffee down to run her hands over her face. "I think I'm going to take the day off. You have the bridge. You just… make the decisions today."

"Yes, of course," he said, then he took the hint and turned to leave.

She stopped him just before he walked out.

"Chakotay?"

"Yes?"

"Can we retry our dinner again tonight?"

"I'd like that," he said with a smile. "And, I'll choose the menu."

She looked up at him with hope and fear in her eyes. "That would be nice, thank you."

* * *

The only decision Kathryn made for the rest of the day was to try to get some much needed sleep. Though, when her head hit the pillow it felt more like she had been knocked unconscious by a brick than a drifting into a peaceful repose.

She woke at 1700 hours with her alarm and then readied herself in the 'fresher.

Kathryn, half in her closet, was reaching for a fresh uniform when she paused. She slid them all to the side and searched the back for a dress that she knew must still have been in there somewhere. She could only hope that it still fit.

When Chakotay answered his door chime at 1800 hours he almost choked at the sight of her. She was simply beautiful. She wore the salmon-colored cotton frock that he recognized from New Earth, and there was a softness to her eyes that he hadn't seen in just as long a time.

"Hi. Come in," he said and waved her through the door.

"I'm sorry. I didn't have any wine to bring." Then she looked down and he thought she might be embarrassed. "Damned replicator," she said under her breath.

"It's fine, really." They were both rather frozen, just inside the door. "You look, nice. Really nice."

Her face grew warm and she was certain he could see her blush. "Thanks. I didn't feel like the uniform tonight."

He nodded, suddenly feeling the physical and metaphorical restriction of his own uniform. "Give me a minute. Please, make yourself comfortable." Then he disappeared into the bedroom.

Kathryn took a deep, cleansing breath. She sat herself in a chair in the living area, rested her chin in her hands and stared at the stars. Three months and Earth would be outside that window, she reminded herself.

When Chakotay re-emerged, he was wearing a casual beige shirt and tan pants. Kathryn bit her lip. He looked very good, she thought.

"It's nice to get out of that every once in a while," he said.

"Yes, I don't do it enough."

"Maybe we should make a new dress code for our dinners," he suggested with a smile.

Oh, how she loved that smile. Since she had a new respect for being honest, she embraced that his smile quite simply made her weak in the knees. The tension in the room began to thicken.

"Are you hungry?"

"Starved," she said with all of the seriousness of a heart attack.

Chakotay sensed the shift in mood and sat in a chair to face her. The double-entendre slowly sinking in.

"Something on your mind?" he asked.

"I need you to help me make a decision."

He raised an eyebrow. "Oh?"

She nodded slowly.

"This isn't about a pulsar, is it?"

"No."

"Good."

"It occurs to me that I haven't been very honest with you. I know how you feel. But I haven't taken the time to tell you what you mean to me Chakotay."

He moved to interrupt her, hoping to relieve some of the tension and give her a safe escape. "Kathryn, you don't need…"

"Hear me out. Please."

He nodded.

"You're more than just a fine first officer. You're more than a friend. I told you once I couldn't imagine a day without you and that's true. But, it's not the entire truth." She looked in his crystal clear eyes. "I want more. More from you, and more from myself. I want you to show me how to live this life of mine, so that I'm not pained by every decision that I do or don't make. I want to be happy, Chakotay."

"I'm not sure how I..." He was interrupted when she raised her hand.

"I want you to choose," she said simply. And then, without stumbling or pretext, without hesitation or fear, she confessed. "I want you to choose to wait for me. I want to know you'll be there when everything else is over. I'm tired of making these decisions alone."

Chakotay looked at his hands briefly and let go of the breath he had been holding for almost five years.

"You've always done this Kathryn. You were always the one who bore the losses and made the sacrifices. But you weren't the only one who lost. I lost too," he admitted. She looked down at the ground, suddenly unsure of what he would do next.

"I've told you before, you're never alone." He leaned forward and took her hands in his own, his eyes gently drawing hers up to meet. "I'd have waited the whole seventy years for you. You only had to ask."

Kathryn felt her throat begin to sting and burn. Her vision grew cloudy behind the forming tears. "I already asked so much of you. I couldn't do that."

"It was the only thing I ever wanted you to do."


	10. Epilogue

Three months later, Kathryn would find herself again with a view of Earth outside the window—except, this time, it was there to stay. She had met another version of herself in the process of getting home, a very lonely admiral who hadn't had the benefit of Q's intervention. She felt sorry for the woman—a resonating, painful sorrow—and she empathized deeply with her losses. Kathryn pushed away the thought of just how close she had come to winding up in the same place.

For the moment, Kathryn sat in her living room, in the same chair where she had slumped to exhaustion after her voyages with Q. Her door chimed, quite expectedly this time, and Chakotay entered.

He paused just inside the door and looked at her. "I think this is our stop."

She nodded and made a slight motion with her head for him to come join her. He came up behind her, put his strong hands on her shoulders began to massage her neck. She closed her eyes and relished in his touch, in the peace she was drawing from his mere presence.

"I guess you didn't have to wait the full seventy years after all," she quipped with a smile.

"I'm not complaining," he said, glancing to the blue-green planet that was now so close. "And, I don't want to belabor the point, but I am still waiting."

His hands paused their work as she turned to him. Wordlessly, rising from her seat, she vowed to remedy that very fact.

Given all they had been through, Q thought it was only fitting that all of time should stand still at this moment. And so, as their lips met for a deliciously satisfying first of a lifetime of caresses, the universe waited for them for a change.

* * *

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